The Pumpkin Spice Invasion Has Begun

 

Greetings, Earthlings.

I regret to inform you that the invasion has entered its final phase.

At first, I dismissed the signs.

A seasonal beverage here.

A scented candle there.

A suspicious muffin.

But now the evidence is undeniable.

Pumpkin spice has infiltrated your civilization.

The first clue appeared several weeks ago when Barry returned from a routine supply mission carrying a large iced coffee.

"Pumpkin Spice?" I asked.

"Yep."

"Is that made from pumpkins?"

"No."

"Is it spicy?"

"Not really."

I made a note in my investigation journal.

Earthlings continue naming things incorrectly.

Soon the contamination spread.

Pumpkin spice coffee.

Pumpkin spice cake.

Pumpkin spice cookies.

Pumpkin spice cereal.

Pumpkin spice air fresheners.

At one point I am fairly certain I located a pumpkin spice dish soap.

I asked Barry to explain.

"Simple," he said. "People like it."

I stared at him.

"Barry, people also enjoy watching videos of cats knocking objects off tables. Popularity is not proof of innocence."

Barry took a sip of his coffee.

"It isn't an invasion, Dale. It's capitalism."

That statement only deepened my concerns.

You see, Earthlings, I had originally believed a secret council of pumpkins was orchestrating the operation.

Now Barry was suggesting something far more terrifying.

Nobody was forcing this to happen.

You were doing it voluntarily.

I began monitoring local businesses.

Every display featured orange decorations.

Every advertisement promised "Fall Flavors."

Every coffee shop employee appeared unnaturally cheerful.

The evidence mounted daily.

Then came the breakthrough.

I found Barry browsing a store.

There were pumpkins on towels.

Pumpkins on mugs.

Pumpkins on welcome mats.

Pumpkins on decorative pillows.

There were, I estimate, approximately seventeen million pumpkins in a building that contained no actual pumpkin patch.

"Do you see?" I whispered.

"See what?"

"The spread."

Barry looked around.

"The seasonal merchandise?"

"The occupation."

"Dale, nobody is occupying anything."

I pointed dramatically toward a display of pumpkin-spiced snack mix.

"It starts with snacks."

Barry rolled his eyes.

That evening I returned to headquarters and compiled my findings.

Conclusion #1: Pumpkin spice appears annually.

Conclusion #2: Earthlings eagerly embrace it.

Conclusion #3: Earthlings become defensive when questioned about it.

Conclusion #4: Barry owns three pumpkin-themed coffee mugs and claims this is somehow normal.

At this stage, my report can no longer be ignored.

Whether this phenomenon is the result of a coordinated pumpkin strategy or merely the unavoidable consequence of unchecked consumer enthusiasm remains unknown.

The investigation continues.

Until then, remain vigilant.

Watch for suspicious amounts of cinnamon.

Question unusually orange displays.

And above all, inspect your beverages carefully.

Attention Earthlings.

Resistance is futile. They have already infiltrated the coffee supply.

Barry's Note: For the record, Dale was drinking a pumpkin spice latte while writing this report. 😄