Dale’s Letter to the Little Green Men

 

👽 Dale’s Letter to the Little Green Men

Dear Extraterrestrial Entities,

First off — love your work. The crop circles, the abductions, the glowing lights over the Gulf? Chef’s kiss. You’ve got flair, and I respect that.

I’m writing from Florida, which I assume you’ve already marked as a “Do Not Land” zone. Between the humidity, the mosquitoes, and the occasional possessed doll (hi), it’s basically your version of a cosmic quarantine zone. Still, if you’re looking for a good time and a bad decision, Cassadaga’s Devil’s Chair is open after midnight.

Now, I know humans have been sending you mixed signals — radio waves, golden records, and TikToks of people yelling “take me!” at the sky. But let me clarify: we’re not all like that. Some of us just want to know if your UFOs have cup holders and if your species also regrets inventing reality TV.

If you do decide to visit, please bring snacks. Earth food is mostly disappointment and corn syrup. I’ll trade you one haunted ventriloquist dummy (slightly cursed, lightly used) for a sample of your cosmic cuisine.

In closing, I hope you find our planet amusing, confusing, and worth a return trip. Just remember — if you abduct me, I expect a window seat and a souvenir mug.

Yours in eternal weirdness, Dale T. Doll Ambassador of Earth’s Oddities Florida Division, Paranormal Outreach Program